Ok, time for me to be serious . . .

As you all know, I like to have fun here. We talk about babes, video games, and other sweet things like that. Sometimes we come across some really great games like Halo. And sometimes the games are really homosexual and are about elves kissing in the moonlight. But its all in fun.

The subject I'm about to address is not fun. It's heartbreaking, and I am filled with remorse that it has even come up. And yet it is the single greatest problem facing the world today. So with that said, I feel I have no choice but to talk about it: smelly people.

I don't like ugly people. Actually, ugly dudes don't bother me because I'm not gay so I don't check dudes out (I mean, yeah, sometimes a guy is so amazingly ugly that you can't help but notice, but if a guy is kinda ugly I probably wouldn't notice because I'm not really interested). But I don't like ugly chicks. They fall into two categories for me: funny shaped chicks, and butter faces.

I was originally going to say 'fat' chicks, but I dislike more than just fat chicks. Like this one chick I knew must have weighed like 80 lbs, and had no boobs or hips at all. No thank you! I'm not a pedophile! Maybe some elf warrior princess might be into that, but not a man like me! But most of the funny shaped chicks are fat. And the Rodster don't play that game.

The second category is butter faces. For those who don't know, a butter face is someone where everything looks good 'butter face.' Do you get it? Haha! It is a pun (or a homonym or one of those things, I'm more into fast cars and babes than I am into grammar or whatever). You could have a bangin' body like Jessica Alba, but if your face looks like Nanci Pelosi, the Rod ain't goin there!

But anyhow, back to the subject at hand: smelly people. Smelly people fall into several categories. I like to break them down into two main groups: 'forgivable' stanks, and 'unforgivable' stanks.

A forgivable stank is something like you ate a big ol' honkin' pastrami sandwich for lunch, and now you have pastrami breath. You can brush, chew gum, eat a bag of breath mints, and it won't matter. You're gonna have pastrami breath until your next meal, minimum. And since pastrami is the awesomest of the cured meats, it can be forgiven. Or lets say you were working on your car and now you smell oily. Well you can't get down on a guy for being a MAN, now can you? So the stank must be forgiven; thus it is written, thus it shall be so.

But then there are the unforgivable stanks. Unforgivable stanks are stanks where I'm sorry, but it ain't cool, and it never will be. Like smoker stank. I've known an awful lot of people who smoked. Some smelled, and some didn't. Maybe it's genetic, or it has to do with if you smoke in an enclosed area, or has to do with how long your hair is, or whatever. I don't know. All I know is if you can't smoke without smelling, then you CAN'T SMOKE. PERIOD. I had a customer today at the grocery store where I work come in all reeking of cigarettes and she wanted to buy a carton. I just flat out refused, and was like "SORRY MISSY, BUT YOU'VE SMOKED ENOUGH. GO TAKE A BATH IN BLEACH OR SOMETHING SMELLY!!!!" I need a new job now, but that's a different subject.

Another unforgivable stank is BO. Even hobos can visit the YMCA and take a free shower. What makes you think you don't need to bathe? There's NO EXCUSE for having BO, EVER.

The worst stank is the combo stank. This is when you have several stanks going for you, like the smoker stank PLUS the BO stank. The combo stank can be stacked on top of the 'you're so fat that the folds of your skin trap in new and unusual odors' stank. This creates what I call the 'mega stanks.' The mega stank is a truly powerful force indeed. It has brought tears to my eyes before. Once I saw someone go into cardiac arrest after talking with someone with mega stank for just 2 minutes.

I believe the mega stank is capable of achieving consciousness. This one time I was helping someone with mega stank find taco seasoning (its in aisle 5, if you're ever at the Albertson's in Chula Vista by the way), and I started hearing this voice. It was the stank! It kept asking me to kill the stanky person so that it could go free. I shouted out "BACK FOUL BEAST!!!" and ran for my life, but when I looked behind me I saw this amorphous shape above the now confused customer. It had red eyes and (I suspect) thirsted for blood!!!

Anyhow, my point is this. If you smell, take a bath. Stop smoking. Lose weight. I don't care if you have to sleep in a bathtub of vinegar for the next 6 months. Just do it! And if you're a fat chick, don't bother hitting on me because you will never get in MY pants!