The Console Wars, decided by Rod!!!

Ok, so there's a console war or whatever going on. Sounds like a load of crap to me since the best system should be obvious, but whatever, you wanna talk about it and it's related to babes, beer, big tvs or awesome video games, I'm down.

So lets lay the three systems out there and have a look at which wins the prestigious "Rod's Most Awesome Video Game System of all Video Game Systems Ever!" award!

First up we have the PS3. These guys like making their systems look all gay and stuff, but that doesn't really matter. I mean, the way it looks does have an effect on its overall "awesome" factor, but it's not as important and the other things like killer graphics and stuff. So just pretend this doesn't look like an elf airplane hanger for the time being.

It's supposed to be powerful. My brother said it has like 27 gazillion termaflops of pure power, which means something if you're a nerd I guess. That's what happens when you make a game system that's roughly the size of a house I guess. The games look pretty good though and have high definition output so they should look sweet on my 47" plasma high def tv (yeah, my tv is freakin sweet). It uses HDNI digital cables which is supposed to make the picture 10-80P (I guess that's rockin, I don't know what all of these stupid fruitloops numbers mean), and plays Blooray movies in high definition too.

The controller is really lame. It's way too little. I wanna walk up to Chim Chong Chang or whoever designed it in Japan and be like "Listen here buster, I don't know what life is like here in the land of the Rising Sun, but in America we have big manly hands and we need big manly controllers, not this little rice eating piece of crap!!!" But it has motion controls so if you drop your beer and you bend over to try and keep it from seeping into the carpet, the guy in the game will do the same thing! I guess that's pretty cool (I'm still pissed off about the beer stain on the carpet. I put down a throw rug, but I know when I move out I won't get my deposit back because of it).

Their online service is so freakin gay. Its nice you can play Resistance: Fall of Man online against noobs and stuff like the other systems (to be discussed later), but there's no point system! How is everyone else supposed to know how much face I rock if I don't have a score?!

The system is also too darn expensive. $600 for a video game is kinda weak, especially when you can get a tricked out Xbox 360 for $450. $150 will buy you a truckload of beer man! I guess you're paying for the power and stuff it has, but really, unless you're a geek who cares about termabites and stuff, it seems kinda lame to me.

Finally, the games! The PS3 has mostly sucky games like japanese garbage about worshipping trees and prancing arounud the forest as an elf princess or whatever. I'm an American, and that means Christian buster! We don't worship your false Japanese gods, Mr. Sony man! Although Resistance: Fall of Man is cool because you get to kill stuff.

Overall, I give the PS3 a 5/10. It's got killer graphics which makes it awesome, but $600 is too much for a game system with a controller made under a microscope, 'talk to this fruity guy' RPG games, and no points.

Next up is the Wii. Don't ask me why Nintendo thought Wii was a good name for anything, anywhere, ever. It's not. This gives the Wii like a -1 to its overall awesomeness score automatically.

If the PS3's power is kinda like a Harley, then the Wii's power is kinda like a broken bicycle. The games all look like a retard shoved a crayon up his butt and danced in front of a giant piece of paper. And forget high definition! I spent like three grand on this friggin' tv, and now Nintendo wants me to play their system that looks like an etch-a-sketch on it?!

The controller for the Wii is also lame. It uses some weird technology thing where it knows where you're pointing it so you can use it kinda like a gun or something. I guess that'd be cool, except I have the same technology. It's called eyes. This is the height of video game technology? It's also motion sensitive like the PS3 which is kinda cool I guess.

The Wii doesn't have online at all! Seriously, what the heck man? If I can't kill people online with games, then why am I playing them? This makes Sony look like they're Santa Claus crapping candy canes all over my front lawn. Seriously, this is total garbage.

The system is cheap which is cool, but for $250 you could just get the old xbox and halo 2. It's called value!

Oh, and the games. There's one about a little homo with a bow and arrow and a sword who wears leotards. Lame! There's also another one where you play a nerd reading a book. This is the nintendo revolution? More like gay-volution!

Overall, I give the Wii a -5/10. It's not even awesome enough to get graded on the awesomeness scale. It has bad, well, everything. I guess if you're an old guy looking for a paperweight that teaches you things and stuff, then go for it, but if you're a MAN, then move along.

Last up is the Xbox 360. This thing is shaped perfectly: slim in the middle and big up top and on bottom. Just like a babe!!! I don't get the whole "360" name-thing, but I guess video games are all about numbers now, so whatever. Its like you need to be a calculator to play tetris anymore.

Its also supposed to be powerful. A good way to start a nerd fight is to say something like "the XBox 360 is more powerful than the PS3!" And then one of the nerds in the room will be like "Nuh-uh! You're not counting its floating point transforming bandwidth pipe!" and then another nerd will be like "you're so stupid, the PS3 doesn't have the warping omni-crunch that the 360 has!" and pretty soon the nerds will be all over each other like they're fighting over Han Solo's original pants or something. All I know is it looks really good, especially on my tv. So I guess that's cool.

The 360 controller kicks butt. It doesn't have motion sensing, but I wasn't really sold on that anyhow. I guess they could have fit motion sensing in the controller though, because it's BIG. AWESOME!!! Leave it to the AMERICANS to understand that AMERICANS DONT HAVE LITTLE SISSY HANDS!!!

The 360 has really good online too. The best part of the 360 is that it keeps track of how good you are by giving you points. You beat lots of games? Here's 100 points. I don't know this for sure, but I think if you try and play a fairy elf game on the 360, it actually docks you like 50 points just for being gay.

The 360 is kinda expensive, but compared to the PS3 it looks like its in the bargain bin. You can buy a tricked out 360, Gears of War, and have money left over to get a freakin keg. And let me tell you, if you can't pay for dinner at the end of the date because you spent all your money on a PS3, she isn't going home with you (if you know what I mean!).

Finally, the Xbox 360 games are by far the best. It's simple really. Nintendo and Sony are both in Japan. They make games that the Japanese like. And any 3rd grader who knows anything about geography can tell you that all Japanese people are gay. The Xbox 360 is made in America. They make games Americans like. Like Gears of War, and Halo. Good games. Not games about fairies and elves and swords and crap. Games about guns.

Overall, I give the Xbox 360 a 24/10. It would be a 10/10, but I had to add a bunch of extra points for Halo because I love fragging noobs!!

So there you have it. The winner of the console war is the XBox 360. There's nothing else to say on the subject.