The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion

I think I've said this before, but my brother is VERY gay. He likes games with orcs and fairy elf princesses or whatever. I remember this one time he and his buddies were having a party and I swung by because I was thinking "hey, free beer and maybe there are some drunk babes there to hit on!" but when I opened the door, it was the most horrifying sight I've ever seen.

First off, there were no babes. There were two chicks, but babes they were not. The one looked like she had eaten a few babes. I was afraid I might be next. The other chick wasn't fat, but she had a moustache. And we're not talking 'a little hair on the lip,' either. We're talking 'Super Mario Brothers" moustache. The only way I knew they were chicks was that they had boobs, but then they might have just been dudes with juicy man-titties. I decided not to ask.

They were all sitting around his dining room table and they had these little elf toys on the table. It looked like they were doing some sort of weird math that uses funny shaped dice. I asked what they were doing as nicely as I could (although when you see this and you're thinking 'is this what a gay orgy looks like?' it's hard to say anything nicely), and one of the nerds told me they were 'role-playing.' I didn't know what that meant, but I was so horrified (and not just by their acne) that I turned around and ran off screaming into the night.

Needless to say, when my brother recommends I check out a game, I usually tell him 'thanks but no thanks.' but he was really pushing this Oblivion game down my throat. I was gonna tell him to go back to his gay dice festival or whatever it is he was doing, but then I saw some screen shots and I thought "daaaaang, this would look SWEET on my plasma tv!" So I went to gamestop and picked up a copy (that was an adventure in and of itself, because sometimes the nerds who work there and the nerds who hang out there are talking about gay stuff like who would win a fight between Frodo and the Elf queen or whatever and want you to join the conversation).

So here's my review of Oblivion. I hope you find it helpful.

The game starts with you making your guy. You get like a zillion options, which is kinda cool. I was thinking "alright, I can totally make Marcus Fenix and get some frag grenades and take care of these noobs." There are too many options though. I don't need to able to adjust the jowls and the bridge of the nose and the nape of the neck and stuff. I just want my guy to look angry and buff. There should be a preset for that.

Then after I make my man, I find out I'm in jail. Cool, just like Gears of War. But Dom doesn't come to break me out so I can help kill bugs. Instead the emperor comes in wearing a bathrobe and says something like "It is your destiny to join me in the sewers." Needless to say I decided to unload my fisticuffs of fury into his face, but then some guard told me to stop and I couldn't kill him. I think he was using an infinite armor glitch or something. Lame.

So I go into the sewers and I'm punching rats and they give me a bow and an arrow (which I threw down a well, because only homo elf-types use a bow and arrow) and a hammer and a sword and a bunch of other stuff. I couldn't figure out how to equip things because I don't play RPGs, but my fists of fury were enough to kill the giant rats that fill the world of Oblivion.

After wandering around in knee-high dookie-water FOREVER, I finally ran into the emperor and I was like "you got away once, Mister Man, now its payback time!!!" I tried throwing my sword at him but it just kinda fell on the ground with a clang. Weak. I didn't have the shotgun which sucked, because I was close enough that I totally could have one-shotted him, so I started punching him. The guards yelled at me again, but I would not be swayed. I had to escape this jail cell/sewer maze of doom!! Eventually the guards got pissed at me and I was killed with a katana.

Graphics: 8/10
This game looks really good, but how good can a game that comprises nothing but a sewer and a jail cell look??

Sound: 5/10
The voice acting is pretty good, but the music is all emo which pissed me off. Eventually I got tired of hearing lilting pan-flutes and muted the tv so I could listen to some Metallica (the old stuff before they became sell-outs).

Gameplay: ??/10
Maybe if I were into menus and inventories and all that RPG stuff, I'd have enjoyed it. But I couldn't figure out why I was running around in rags and couldn't throw my swords and hammers at people. Weak.

Overall: 5/10
If you like sitting around tables throwing dice at your friends, go ahead and buy this game. If you're not gay, though, don't even bother.