Review: Halo 2 (for xbox, not the sissy windows vista version)

So you might have noticed that I'm only reviewing the Xbox version of Halo 2, and not the Vista version. This is because I don't own the Vista version because I'M NOT A SUCKER!!! Hello, Microsoft, I already own Halo 2. I've owned it for like a bazillion years on my XBOX. Why would I spend over a hundred bucks upgrading my computer to windows Vista just so I can play an old game? Yeah, I didn't think so Mr. Bill Gates ESQUIRE!!!

I actually don't have any beef with the computer version of the game. I mean, if someone doesn't want an XBox or prefers playing FPS games with their keyboard/mouse, cool for him I guess. My beef is with Microsoft for waiting forever to release a computer version of this game, only to require people to upgrade to Windows Vista before they can play it. That's bull!

Graphics: 10/10
This game rocks the house. It was made for the original XBox and it still beats every game EVER made for the PS3 and Wii combined! There aren't alot of fancy pants light bloom effects or billion-polygon trees or anything, but that's because ITS A FUTURE GAME AND YOU SHOOT PEOPLE IN OUTER SPACE!!!! If the game were about elf nerd tree-humpers (like my brother), I'd gripe about the graphics. But it isn't!!

Sound: 10/10
The music is . . . wait, is there music? I don't even know, I usually turn the sound down so I can make fun of the noobs on xbox live better with my headset! There is no better sound than homo noob geek nerds crying because you've just sniped them in the face!

Gameplay: 10/10
This is the best FPS game (FPS stands for "Fraggin' Pathetic Sadsacks") ever! The controls are perfect. Frag tagging, jumping, strafing, its all here baby!!!

Overall: 10/10 (perfect!!!)
This is one of the best games ever. Ok, now I'm tired of blogging. I need to go play halo 2!!!!

The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion

I think I've said this before, but my brother is VERY gay. He likes games with orcs and fairy elf princesses or whatever. I remember this one time he and his buddies were having a party and I swung by because I was thinking "hey, free beer and maybe there are some drunk babes there to hit on!" but when I opened the door, it was the most horrifying sight I've ever seen.

First off, there were no babes. There were two chicks, but babes they were not. The one looked like she had eaten a few babes. I was afraid I might be next. The other chick wasn't fat, but she had a moustache. And we're not talking 'a little hair on the lip,' either. We're talking 'Super Mario Brothers" moustache. The only way I knew they were chicks was that they had boobs, but then they might have just been dudes with juicy man-titties. I decided not to ask.

They were all sitting around his dining room table and they had these little elf toys on the table. It looked like they were doing some sort of weird math that uses funny shaped dice. I asked what they were doing as nicely as I could (although when you see this and you're thinking 'is this what a gay orgy looks like?' it's hard to say anything nicely), and one of the nerds told me they were 'role-playing.' I didn't know what that meant, but I was so horrified (and not just by their acne) that I turned around and ran off screaming into the night.

Needless to say, when my brother recommends I check out a game, I usually tell him 'thanks but no thanks.' but he was really pushing this Oblivion game down my throat. I was gonna tell him to go back to his gay dice festival or whatever it is he was doing, but then I saw some screen shots and I thought "daaaaang, this would look SWEET on my plasma tv!" So I went to gamestop and picked up a copy (that was an adventure in and of itself, because sometimes the nerds who work there and the nerds who hang out there are talking about gay stuff like who would win a fight between Frodo and the Elf queen or whatever and want you to join the conversation).

So here's my review of Oblivion. I hope you find it helpful.

The game starts with you making your guy. You get like a zillion options, which is kinda cool. I was thinking "alright, I can totally make Marcus Fenix and get some frag grenades and take care of these noobs." There are too many options though. I don't need to able to adjust the jowls and the bridge of the nose and the nape of the neck and stuff. I just want my guy to look angry and buff. There should be a preset for that.

Then after I make my man, I find out I'm in jail. Cool, just like Gears of War. But Dom doesn't come to break me out so I can help kill bugs. Instead the emperor comes in wearing a bathrobe and says something like "It is your destiny to join me in the sewers." Needless to say I decided to unload my fisticuffs of fury into his face, but then some guard told me to stop and I couldn't kill him. I think he was using an infinite armor glitch or something. Lame.

So I go into the sewers and I'm punching rats and they give me a bow and an arrow (which I threw down a well, because only homo elf-types use a bow and arrow) and a hammer and a sword and a bunch of other stuff. I couldn't figure out how to equip things because I don't play RPGs, but my fists of fury were enough to kill the giant rats that fill the world of Oblivion.

After wandering around in knee-high dookie-water FOREVER, I finally ran into the emperor and I was like "you got away once, Mister Man, now its payback time!!!" I tried throwing my sword at him but it just kinda fell on the ground with a clang. Weak. I didn't have the shotgun which sucked, because I was close enough that I totally could have one-shotted him, so I started punching him. The guards yelled at me again, but I would not be swayed. I had to escape this jail cell/sewer maze of doom!! Eventually the guards got pissed at me and I was killed with a katana.

Graphics: 8/10
This game looks really good, but how good can a game that comprises nothing but a sewer and a jail cell look??

Sound: 5/10
The voice acting is pretty good, but the music is all emo which pissed me off. Eventually I got tired of hearing lilting pan-flutes and muted the tv so I could listen to some Metallica (the old stuff before they became sell-outs).

Gameplay: ??/10
Maybe if I were into menus and inventories and all that RPG stuff, I'd have enjoyed it. But I couldn't figure out why I was running around in rags and couldn't throw my swords and hammers at people. Weak.

Overall: 5/10
If you like sitting around tables throwing dice at your friends, go ahead and buy this game. If you're not gay, though, don't even bother.

The Console Wars, decided by Rod!!!

Ok, so there's a console war or whatever going on. Sounds like a load of crap to me since the best system should be obvious, but whatever, you wanna talk about it and it's related to babes, beer, big tvs or awesome video games, I'm down.

So lets lay the three systems out there and have a look at which wins the prestigious "Rod's Most Awesome Video Game System of all Video Game Systems Ever!" award!

First up we have the PS3. These guys like making their systems look all gay and stuff, but that doesn't really matter. I mean, the way it looks does have an effect on its overall "awesome" factor, but it's not as important and the other things like killer graphics and stuff. So just pretend this doesn't look like an elf airplane hanger for the time being.

It's supposed to be powerful. My brother said it has like 27 gazillion termaflops of pure power, which means something if you're a nerd I guess. That's what happens when you make a game system that's roughly the size of a house I guess. The games look pretty good though and have high definition output so they should look sweet on my 47" plasma high def tv (yeah, my tv is freakin sweet). It uses HDNI digital cables which is supposed to make the picture 10-80P (I guess that's rockin, I don't know what all of these stupid fruitloops numbers mean), and plays Blooray movies in high definition too.

The controller is really lame. It's way too little. I wanna walk up to Chim Chong Chang or whoever designed it in Japan and be like "Listen here buster, I don't know what life is like here in the land of the Rising Sun, but in America we have big manly hands and we need big manly controllers, not this little rice eating piece of crap!!!" But it has motion controls so if you drop your beer and you bend over to try and keep it from seeping into the carpet, the guy in the game will do the same thing! I guess that's pretty cool (I'm still pissed off about the beer stain on the carpet. I put down a throw rug, but I know when I move out I won't get my deposit back because of it).

Their online service is so freakin gay. Its nice you can play Resistance: Fall of Man online against noobs and stuff like the other systems (to be discussed later), but there's no point system! How is everyone else supposed to know how much face I rock if I don't have a score?!

The system is also too darn expensive. $600 for a video game is kinda weak, especially when you can get a tricked out Xbox 360 for $450. $150 will buy you a truckload of beer man! I guess you're paying for the power and stuff it has, but really, unless you're a geek who cares about termabites and stuff, it seems kinda lame to me.

Finally, the games! The PS3 has mostly sucky games like japanese garbage about worshipping trees and prancing arounud the forest as an elf princess or whatever. I'm an American, and that means Christian buster! We don't worship your false Japanese gods, Mr. Sony man! Although Resistance: Fall of Man is cool because you get to kill stuff.

Overall, I give the PS3 a 5/10. It's got killer graphics which makes it awesome, but $600 is too much for a game system with a controller made under a microscope, 'talk to this fruity guy' RPG games, and no points.

Next up is the Wii. Don't ask me why Nintendo thought Wii was a good name for anything, anywhere, ever. It's not. This gives the Wii like a -1 to its overall awesomeness score automatically.

If the PS3's power is kinda like a Harley, then the Wii's power is kinda like a broken bicycle. The games all look like a retard shoved a crayon up his butt and danced in front of a giant piece of paper. And forget high definition! I spent like three grand on this friggin' tv, and now Nintendo wants me to play their system that looks like an etch-a-sketch on it?!

The controller for the Wii is also lame. It uses some weird technology thing where it knows where you're pointing it so you can use it kinda like a gun or something. I guess that'd be cool, except I have the same technology. It's called eyes. This is the height of video game technology? It's also motion sensitive like the PS3 which is kinda cool I guess.

The Wii doesn't have online at all! Seriously, what the heck man? If I can't kill people online with games, then why am I playing them? This makes Sony look like they're Santa Claus crapping candy canes all over my front lawn. Seriously, this is total garbage.

The system is cheap which is cool, but for $250 you could just get the old xbox and halo 2. It's called value!

Oh, and the games. There's one about a little homo with a bow and arrow and a sword who wears leotards. Lame! There's also another one where you play a nerd reading a book. This is the nintendo revolution? More like gay-volution!

Overall, I give the Wii a -5/10. It's not even awesome enough to get graded on the awesomeness scale. It has bad, well, everything. I guess if you're an old guy looking for a paperweight that teaches you things and stuff, then go for it, but if you're a MAN, then move along.

Last up is the Xbox 360. This thing is shaped perfectly: slim in the middle and big up top and on bottom. Just like a babe!!! I don't get the whole "360" name-thing, but I guess video games are all about numbers now, so whatever. Its like you need to be a calculator to play tetris anymore.

Its also supposed to be powerful. A good way to start a nerd fight is to say something like "the XBox 360 is more powerful than the PS3!" And then one of the nerds in the room will be like "Nuh-uh! You're not counting its floating point transforming bandwidth pipe!" and then another nerd will be like "you're so stupid, the PS3 doesn't have the warping omni-crunch that the 360 has!" and pretty soon the nerds will be all over each other like they're fighting over Han Solo's original pants or something. All I know is it looks really good, especially on my tv. So I guess that's cool.

The 360 controller kicks butt. It doesn't have motion sensing, but I wasn't really sold on that anyhow. I guess they could have fit motion sensing in the controller though, because it's BIG. AWESOME!!! Leave it to the AMERICANS to understand that AMERICANS DONT HAVE LITTLE SISSY HANDS!!!

The 360 has really good online too. The best part of the 360 is that it keeps track of how good you are by giving you points. You beat lots of games? Here's 100 points. I don't know this for sure, but I think if you try and play a fairy elf game on the 360, it actually docks you like 50 points just for being gay.

The 360 is kinda expensive, but compared to the PS3 it looks like its in the bargain bin. You can buy a tricked out 360, Gears of War, and have money left over to get a freakin keg. And let me tell you, if you can't pay for dinner at the end of the date because you spent all your money on a PS3, she isn't going home with you (if you know what I mean!).

Finally, the Xbox 360 games are by far the best. It's simple really. Nintendo and Sony are both in Japan. They make games that the Japanese like. And any 3rd grader who knows anything about geography can tell you that all Japanese people are gay. The Xbox 360 is made in America. They make games Americans like. Like Gears of War, and Halo. Good games. Not games about fairies and elves and swords and crap. Games about guns.

Overall, I give the Xbox 360 a 24/10. It would be a 10/10, but I had to add a bunch of extra points for Halo because I love fragging noobs!!

So there you have it. The winner of the console war is the XBox 360. There's nothing else to say on the subject.

Innocent Life: A Futuristic Harvest Moon

So I keep hearing about this game called Harvest Moon and how awesome it is and how everyone like plucking chickens or whatever, but I’m not gonna spend $50 on a freakin farm simulator, you know? So they just put out a version of the game for psp and even though my psp is crazy modded and I can download it and play it for free and turn on cheats and stuff, I’m still thinking “meh, it’s farming. I mean, seriously, is this even worth getting on the RIAA lawsuit list?” And then I read up on it and find out that it’s about a future robot with a future farm. Robots are sweet, and I’m thinking in the future they probably harvest corn cubes and broccoli the size of a skyscraper and crazy stuff like that, so I figured this was my chance to check the series out.

The first thing you do is name your character and make a profile and select a save game. Booorrrring! I didn’t have to do this with Gears of War. They’re just like “hey, your name is Marcus, bug men with machine guns are shooting at you now what do you do WTF OMG ROFLCCOPTER LMAO?!?!?!” So I make “-=|DEATHBOT 2000|=-“ and figure “alright, it’s time to make these humans pay for their transgressions!”

But I was wrong. Doctor Hope decides to talk with me for like an hour about how he cloned me from alien DNA or something and how I need to harvest the humans to feed my extra terrestrial overlords (I actually don’t know what he said because I just hit the button as fast as I could to make him shut up). And then I go to talk with Gayayardk or something like that (you’d think when they brought the game to America they’d give the characters American names like “Bill” or “Steve” or something). And then he talks for another hour and has me planting seed and crap in the virtual farm! How can there be a virtual farm inside a farm simulator? Does that make it a double negative, so its actually a real farm?

So I get all this starting crap over and I’m thinking “damn I wish I could get the last 5 hours of my life back, I could have fragged a lot of nubs in that time,” but whatever. They give me my starter weapons, a hoe and a watering can, and tell me to start killing.

This is where the game should have gotten awesome. I went to the merchant and bought better weapons (a sledgehammer and a sickle—sweet!), and went into Gayasrk’s house and he’s like “Oh, hello -=|DEATHBOT 2000|=-, how is the farm going.” Well needless to say, I was thinking “yeah, hi yourself Garsdrk, feel the icy grip of DEATH!!!” but I couldn’t find the attack button! Seriously, Natsume, if I can’t attack the bad guys, how am I supposed to win? That’s when I decided that this game was crap and fired up Halo 2. Screw that crap, I was so freakin mad I had to take it out on something!!!

Graphics: 2/10

You can see what’s going on and stuff, which is cool. But the characters look like little fat elf guys or lego men or something. I don’t know how the blood effects were because I couldn’t find the attack button, but I looked for screenshots for like 10 minutes and only saw pictures of like mango trees and stuff, so I’m guessing they must have sucked.

Sound: 1/10

There are no voices in the game which is lame. I mean even Master Chief says things like “frag em!” and Marcus says things like “incoming frag!” Little details like this make a game you know!! Also, the music is all whimsical and magical and stuff. I don’t get why a game about killer robots in the future wouldn’t have techno or metal.

Gameplay: 0/10

If I can’t find the attack button, who can?!

Overall: 0/10

If you’re like me and you like games, don’t play Harvest Moon. It’s gay with a capital “g.” Maybe James would like this game, but he’s into Japanese cartoons where they’re all like “lets be homo together!”

Hi Everyone welcome to my Blog!

Hi! My name is Rod, and this is my blog!

So everyone keeps talking about blogs! I'm like "is a blog like a chestnut or something?" but I guess its the latest and greatest and you get your own website and stuff. So I was like "I like the internet and websites, I should have my own, heck ya I'll make a blog!" I still don't know what the blogosphere is. My brother James is a big computer geek and so I was like "James what's a blogosphere because I just started a blog and I don't know all the catchphrases and stuff." He said it was what the little ball in my mouse is called but I think he was just yanking my chain. I think the blogosphere has something to do with outer space, but I could be mistaken. Anyhow, ya, if any of ya dweebs out there wanna lemme know what the blogosphere is, post here or something.

So I was trying to think of what I should blog about, and the first thing that came to my mind was babes! But blogspot is a bunch of douches and won't let you post pictures of hot babes because they call it porn. So my next thought was beer, but talking about beer isn't really the same as drinking beer, and I'm not into fancy German beers like Gluborg or Tutenbeeren or whatever like beer afficionados talk about. So I thought "yeah, video games!"

On my blog I will be reviewing the raddest video games ever made! Madden, Gears of War, Halo, if it's out there and its rad, I've played it! I'm high up in all the ladders (but not at the top because those geeks do nothing but play and never get laid or drunk or nothin), and I'll frag you if you get in my way. So let's get blogging!

-Rod