So I keep hearing about this game called Harvest Moon and how awesome it is and how everyone like plucking chickens or whatever, but I’m not gonna spend $50 on a freakin farm simulator, you know? So they just put out a version of the game for psp and even though my psp is crazy modded and I can download it and play it for free and turn on cheats and stuff, I’m still thinking “meh, it’s farming. I mean, seriously, is this even worth getting on the RIAA lawsuit list?” And then I read up on it and find out that it’s about a future robot with a future farm. Robots are sweet, and I’m thinking in the future they probably harvest corn cubes and broccoli the size of a skyscraper and crazy stuff like that, so I figured this was my chance to check the series out.
The first thing you do is name your character and make a profile and select a save game. Booorrrring! I didn’t have to do this with Gears of War. They’re just like “hey, your name is Marcus, bug men with machine guns are shooting at you now what do you do WTF OMG ROFLCCOPTER LMAO?!?!?!” So I make “-=|DEATHBOT 2000|=-“ and figure “alright, it’s time to make these humans pay for their transgressions!”
But I was wrong. Doctor Hope decides to talk with me for like an hour about how he cloned me from alien DNA or something and how I need to harvest the humans to feed my extra terrestrial overlords (I actually don’t know what he said because I just hit the button as fast as I could to make him shut up). And then I go to talk with Gayayardk or something like that (you’d think when they brought the game to America they’d give the characters American names like “Bill” or “Steve” or something). And then he talks for another hour and has me planting seed and crap in the virtual farm! How can there be a virtual farm inside a farm simulator? Does that make it a double negative, so its actually a real farm?
So I get all this starting crap over and I’m thinking “damn I wish I could get the last 5 hours of my life back, I could have fragged a lot of nubs in that time,” but whatever. They give me my starter weapons, a hoe and a watering can, and tell me to start killing.
This is where the game should have gotten awesome. I went to the merchant and bought better weapons (a sledgehammer and a sickle—sweet!), and went into Gayasrk’s house and he’s like “Oh, hello -=|DEATHBOT 2000|=-, how is the farm going.” Well needless to say, I was thinking “yeah, hi yourself Garsdrk, feel the icy grip of DEATH!!!” but I couldn’t find the attack button! Seriously, Natsume, if I can’t attack the bad guys, how am I supposed to win? That’s when I decided that this game was crap and fired up Halo 2. Screw that crap, I was so freakin mad I had to take it out on something!!!
Graphics: 2/10
You can see what’s going on and stuff, which is cool. But the characters look like little fat elf guys or lego men or something. I don’t know how the blood effects were because I couldn’t find the attack button, but I looked for screenshots for like 10 minutes and only saw pictures of like mango trees and stuff, so I’m guessing they must have sucked.
Sound: 1/10
There are no voices in the game which is lame. I mean even Master Chief says things like “frag em!” and Marcus says things like “incoming frag!” Little details like this make a game you know!! Also, the music is all whimsical and magical and stuff. I don’t get why a game about killer robots in the future wouldn’t have techno or metal.
Gameplay: 0/10
If I can’t find the attack button, who can?!
Overall: 0/10
If you’re like me and you like games, don’t play Harvest Moon. It’s gay with a capital “g.” Maybe James would like this game, but he’s into Japanese cartoons where they’re all like “lets be homo together!”
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