Ok, time for me to be serious . . .

As you all know, I like to have fun here. We talk about babes, video games, and other sweet things like that. Sometimes we come across some really great games like Halo. And sometimes the games are really homosexual and are about elves kissing in the moonlight. But its all in fun.

The subject I'm about to address is not fun. It's heartbreaking, and I am filled with remorse that it has even come up. And yet it is the single greatest problem facing the world today. So with that said, I feel I have no choice but to talk about it: smelly people.

I don't like ugly people. Actually, ugly dudes don't bother me because I'm not gay so I don't check dudes out (I mean, yeah, sometimes a guy is so amazingly ugly that you can't help but notice, but if a guy is kinda ugly I probably wouldn't notice because I'm not really interested). But I don't like ugly chicks. They fall into two categories for me: funny shaped chicks, and butter faces.

I was originally going to say 'fat' chicks, but I dislike more than just fat chicks. Like this one chick I knew must have weighed like 80 lbs, and had no boobs or hips at all. No thank you! I'm not a pedophile! Maybe some elf warrior princess might be into that, but not a man like me! But most of the funny shaped chicks are fat. And the Rodster don't play that game.

The second category is butter faces. For those who don't know, a butter face is someone where everything looks good 'butter face.' Do you get it? Haha! It is a pun (or a homonym or one of those things, I'm more into fast cars and babes than I am into grammar or whatever). You could have a bangin' body like Jessica Alba, but if your face looks like Nanci Pelosi, the Rod ain't goin there!

But anyhow, back to the subject at hand: smelly people. Smelly people fall into several categories. I like to break them down into two main groups: 'forgivable' stanks, and 'unforgivable' stanks.

A forgivable stank is something like you ate a big ol' honkin' pastrami sandwich for lunch, and now you have pastrami breath. You can brush, chew gum, eat a bag of breath mints, and it won't matter. You're gonna have pastrami breath until your next meal, minimum. And since pastrami is the awesomest of the cured meats, it can be forgiven. Or lets say you were working on your car and now you smell oily. Well you can't get down on a guy for being a MAN, now can you? So the stank must be forgiven; thus it is written, thus it shall be so.

But then there are the unforgivable stanks. Unforgivable stanks are stanks where I'm sorry, but it ain't cool, and it never will be. Like smoker stank. I've known an awful lot of people who smoked. Some smelled, and some didn't. Maybe it's genetic, or it has to do with if you smoke in an enclosed area, or has to do with how long your hair is, or whatever. I don't know. All I know is if you can't smoke without smelling, then you CAN'T SMOKE. PERIOD. I had a customer today at the grocery store where I work come in all reeking of cigarettes and she wanted to buy a carton. I just flat out refused, and was like "SORRY MISSY, BUT YOU'VE SMOKED ENOUGH. GO TAKE A BATH IN BLEACH OR SOMETHING SMELLY!!!!" I need a new job now, but that's a different subject.

Another unforgivable stank is BO. Even hobos can visit the YMCA and take a free shower. What makes you think you don't need to bathe? There's NO EXCUSE for having BO, EVER.

The worst stank is the combo stank. This is when you have several stanks going for you, like the smoker stank PLUS the BO stank. The combo stank can be stacked on top of the 'you're so fat that the folds of your skin trap in new and unusual odors' stank. This creates what I call the 'mega stanks.' The mega stank is a truly powerful force indeed. It has brought tears to my eyes before. Once I saw someone go into cardiac arrest after talking with someone with mega stank for just 2 minutes.

I believe the mega stank is capable of achieving consciousness. This one time I was helping someone with mega stank find taco seasoning (its in aisle 5, if you're ever at the Albertson's in Chula Vista by the way), and I started hearing this voice. It was the stank! It kept asking me to kill the stanky person so that it could go free. I shouted out "BACK FOUL BEAST!!!" and ran for my life, but when I looked behind me I saw this amorphous shape above the now confused customer. It had red eyes and (I suspect) thirsted for blood!!!

Anyhow, my point is this. If you smell, take a bath. Stop smoking. Lose weight. I don't care if you have to sleep in a bathtub of vinegar for the next 6 months. Just do it! And if you're a fat chick, don't bother hitting on me because you will never get in MY pants!

Review: Brain Age

So my brother tells me to check out this game called Brain Age on the DS. Luckily I got a DS so I could play Metroid on it (which is kinda cool except that it makes my thumb hurt--it is clearly inferior to the 360 controller in every way, but that's a subject for a different blog). Anyhow, he loaned me the game so I figured 'what the heck, ain't costing me anything,' and tried it out.

Wow. This game is like someone gave me a suck sandwich and then the Hamburglar stole it when I wasn't looking. That's how much it sucked.

It started out with this little robot head guy telling me how my brain works. Now I'm not one to diss on science, but when robot man said my brain activity fires up when I read or do math or whatever, I darn near laughed. Maybe that's how Japanese brains work, but in AMERICA, home of THE WINNERS, our brains are fired up when we're either A) killing, B) watching a hottie walkin' down the street, or C) killing some more.

Anyhow, I just said 'ok, whatever, lets just skip the story and get to the fighting part of the game.' I figured maybe the brain scans were just so I knew where to shoot the zombies to get the parasites out of their skulls that were zombifying them or something. But then he gives me a freakin' pop quiz! What the heck?!

Maybe the worst part of the game was what happened next. He wanted me to say colors. So I'm like 'cool, I can read.' But the game is totally broken there, because the font colors don't match the words! Seriously, what the hell! Also, the voice recognition is total crap. I kept saying 'black' because that was the word, but it kept saying I was wrong. Like I can't tell the word 'black' from the word 'yellow!' It's a little weird because the game was broken and the font color was yellow, but I'm not a rube no-sireee!

Then doctor robotnik told me that I had the brain of an 80 year old man and I was like "sweet! I'm wise like Yoda!" but then it turned out that it was supposed to be an insult and he thought I needed brain exercise or something. If he wanted to insult me he could have just been like "lawlz, your'e a fag!!!!11!!" But whatever.

So I clicked on the 'Brain Training' button so I could not be so retarded and show up the Evil Doctor. I still don't know when you get to actually start fighting, but whatever.

And then he had me do a bunch of math problems and I did them, but I was too slow because I decided to show my work LIKE SCHOOL PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT YOU TO DO. I wish these smarty-pantses people would make up their minds and set a standard for math, like either "ALWAYS show your work," or "NEVER show your work." None of this "ALWAYS show your work unless a robot man who laughs alot asks you to do math super fast like you're a calculator but seriously he's the freakin' robot why can't he do it?!"

Anyhow, enough talking about this hunk of cat turd that I threw at my brother's head the next time I saw him (and when it hit him he was all like 'ow, don't break it you jerkoff!' and I was like 'it wouldn't be anymore of a waste than it was for you to spend a sawbuck on this piece of crap,' and then he was like 'you don't know what the word sawbuck means, do you?' so I gave him a wedgie and punched him in the kidneys). Score time!

Graphics: 0/10
How great looking does a game about a robot man's reign of scholastic terror need to be? Apparently not very great, because all you see on the screen are words and numbers and crap. Even Mr. Robot looks crappy. He's like 5 polygons. Oooh.

Sound: 0/10
Do you like your games to have music? Tough, cuz' this game only has beeps and boops for when you touch the screen. I get better sounds in the toilet after eating taco bell.

Gameplay: -3/10
This game is broken! It told me I was retarded, it doesn't understand my words, and when it did work it just wanted me to do math. Save yourself the trouble and just buy a graphing calculator if that's your thing.

Overall: -2000/10
Yeah, save your money. Its crap.