Review: Brain Age

So my brother tells me to check out this game called Brain Age on the DS. Luckily I got a DS so I could play Metroid on it (which is kinda cool except that it makes my thumb hurt--it is clearly inferior to the 360 controller in every way, but that's a subject for a different blog). Anyhow, he loaned me the game so I figured 'what the heck, ain't costing me anything,' and tried it out.

Wow. This game is like someone gave me a suck sandwich and then the Hamburglar stole it when I wasn't looking. That's how much it sucked.

It started out with this little robot head guy telling me how my brain works. Now I'm not one to diss on science, but when robot man said my brain activity fires up when I read or do math or whatever, I darn near laughed. Maybe that's how Japanese brains work, but in AMERICA, home of THE WINNERS, our brains are fired up when we're either A) killing, B) watching a hottie walkin' down the street, or C) killing some more.

Anyhow, I just said 'ok, whatever, lets just skip the story and get to the fighting part of the game.' I figured maybe the brain scans were just so I knew where to shoot the zombies to get the parasites out of their skulls that were zombifying them or something. But then he gives me a freakin' pop quiz! What the heck?!

Maybe the worst part of the game was what happened next. He wanted me to say colors. So I'm like 'cool, I can read.' But the game is totally broken there, because the font colors don't match the words! Seriously, what the hell! Also, the voice recognition is total crap. I kept saying 'black' because that was the word, but it kept saying I was wrong. Like I can't tell the word 'black' from the word 'yellow!' It's a little weird because the game was broken and the font color was yellow, but I'm not a rube no-sireee!

Then doctor robotnik told me that I had the brain of an 80 year old man and I was like "sweet! I'm wise like Yoda!" but then it turned out that it was supposed to be an insult and he thought I needed brain exercise or something. If he wanted to insult me he could have just been like "lawlz, your'e a fag!!!!11!!" But whatever.

So I clicked on the 'Brain Training' button so I could not be so retarded and show up the Evil Doctor. I still don't know when you get to actually start fighting, but whatever.

And then he had me do a bunch of math problems and I did them, but I was too slow because I decided to show my work LIKE SCHOOL PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT YOU TO DO. I wish these smarty-pantses people would make up their minds and set a standard for math, like either "ALWAYS show your work," or "NEVER show your work." None of this "ALWAYS show your work unless a robot man who laughs alot asks you to do math super fast like you're a calculator but seriously he's the freakin' robot why can't he do it?!"

Anyhow, enough talking about this hunk of cat turd that I threw at my brother's head the next time I saw him (and when it hit him he was all like 'ow, don't break it you jerkoff!' and I was like 'it wouldn't be anymore of a waste than it was for you to spend a sawbuck on this piece of crap,' and then he was like 'you don't know what the word sawbuck means, do you?' so I gave him a wedgie and punched him in the kidneys). Score time!

Graphics: 0/10
How great looking does a game about a robot man's reign of scholastic terror need to be? Apparently not very great, because all you see on the screen are words and numbers and crap. Even Mr. Robot looks crappy. He's like 5 polygons. Oooh.

Sound: 0/10
Do you like your games to have music? Tough, cuz' this game only has beeps and boops for when you touch the screen. I get better sounds in the toilet after eating taco bell.

Gameplay: -3/10
This game is broken! It told me I was retarded, it doesn't understand my words, and when it did work it just wanted me to do math. Save yourself the trouble and just buy a graphing calculator if that's your thing.

Overall: -2000/10
Yeah, save your money. Its crap.