Boobquake!!!

Yo! So I know its been awhile since the Rodster has posted, bu t I had a little mix up with google or AOL or whoever the heck owns blogspot and they said I can't post anymore because of my "hate speech." I mean, what the heck is that? Is it hate speech to say that people who like fairy elf princesses are flaming queens or something?

Anyone how I did some work on my bro's car for him (he's one of those mega geeks who knows all this computer crap), and now he's gonna post my blog entries for me. He promised that he'd say everything I told him to, so I trust him cuz he's one of those guys who doesn't lie.

EDITORS NOTE: I am writing this under extreme duress. Please don't mix Rod's insanely retarded opinions with my own.

So today I wanted to talk about what is possibly the greatest scientific experiment in the history of man--the boobquake experiment. See, some rag head guy (Editor's note: He means an Islamic Imam) said that God sends earthquakes to punish us because our chicks don't cover up their fun bags, which makes men think naughty things, and which royally pisses God off (because apparently God hates tits). So anyhow, they said lets do an experiment. I know all about the scientific method cuz I watched that one mythbusters where they built a bigass catapult, so it was no surprise that they first all hung out without boobies flapping in the breeze, and then they hung out bra-less and wearing low cut shirts. They used those earthquake measuring machine things (Editor's note: he means a seismograph), and they measured the results. And great news: God didn't rock the world because of the tit exposure!

I can't tell you how great this is news wise. I've always love hot babes, but I never wanted to piss off God, because then He might zap EA and make it so there won't be a Madden 2011. Now I know I can enjoy BOTH because the LORD HAS SPOKEN! GOD IS PRO BOOBIE!!!

Oh, and on a sad note, many of the chicks at boobquake were fat. I understand that fat chicks have big knockers, but that's because they have big everythings. But there were a few lookers, so I decided to let it slide.

GOOOOO BOOBIES!!!

Editor's Note: I hate myself for writing this. May God have mercy on my soul.

Ok, time for me to be serious . . .

As you all know, I like to have fun here. We talk about babes, video games, and other sweet things like that. Sometimes we come across some really great games like Halo. And sometimes the games are really homosexual and are about elves kissing in the moonlight. But its all in fun.

The subject I'm about to address is not fun. It's heartbreaking, and I am filled with remorse that it has even come up. And yet it is the single greatest problem facing the world today. So with that said, I feel I have no choice but to talk about it: smelly people.

I don't like ugly people. Actually, ugly dudes don't bother me because I'm not gay so I don't check dudes out (I mean, yeah, sometimes a guy is so amazingly ugly that you can't help but notice, but if a guy is kinda ugly I probably wouldn't notice because I'm not really interested). But I don't like ugly chicks. They fall into two categories for me: funny shaped chicks, and butter faces.

I was originally going to say 'fat' chicks, but I dislike more than just fat chicks. Like this one chick I knew must have weighed like 80 lbs, and had no boobs or hips at all. No thank you! I'm not a pedophile! Maybe some elf warrior princess might be into that, but not a man like me! But most of the funny shaped chicks are fat. And the Rodster don't play that game.

The second category is butter faces. For those who don't know, a butter face is someone where everything looks good 'butter face.' Do you get it? Haha! It is a pun (or a homonym or one of those things, I'm more into fast cars and babes than I am into grammar or whatever). You could have a bangin' body like Jessica Alba, but if your face looks like Nanci Pelosi, the Rod ain't goin there!

But anyhow, back to the subject at hand: smelly people. Smelly people fall into several categories. I like to break them down into two main groups: 'forgivable' stanks, and 'unforgivable' stanks.

A forgivable stank is something like you ate a big ol' honkin' pastrami sandwich for lunch, and now you have pastrami breath. You can brush, chew gum, eat a bag of breath mints, and it won't matter. You're gonna have pastrami breath until your next meal, minimum. And since pastrami is the awesomest of the cured meats, it can be forgiven. Or lets say you were working on your car and now you smell oily. Well you can't get down on a guy for being a MAN, now can you? So the stank must be forgiven; thus it is written, thus it shall be so.

But then there are the unforgivable stanks. Unforgivable stanks are stanks where I'm sorry, but it ain't cool, and it never will be. Like smoker stank. I've known an awful lot of people who smoked. Some smelled, and some didn't. Maybe it's genetic, or it has to do with if you smoke in an enclosed area, or has to do with how long your hair is, or whatever. I don't know. All I know is if you can't smoke without smelling, then you CAN'T SMOKE. PERIOD. I had a customer today at the grocery store where I work come in all reeking of cigarettes and she wanted to buy a carton. I just flat out refused, and was like "SORRY MISSY, BUT YOU'VE SMOKED ENOUGH. GO TAKE A BATH IN BLEACH OR SOMETHING SMELLY!!!!" I need a new job now, but that's a different subject.

Another unforgivable stank is BO. Even hobos can visit the YMCA and take a free shower. What makes you think you don't need to bathe? There's NO EXCUSE for having BO, EVER.

The worst stank is the combo stank. This is when you have several stanks going for you, like the smoker stank PLUS the BO stank. The combo stank can be stacked on top of the 'you're so fat that the folds of your skin trap in new and unusual odors' stank. This creates what I call the 'mega stanks.' The mega stank is a truly powerful force indeed. It has brought tears to my eyes before. Once I saw someone go into cardiac arrest after talking with someone with mega stank for just 2 minutes.

I believe the mega stank is capable of achieving consciousness. This one time I was helping someone with mega stank find taco seasoning (its in aisle 5, if you're ever at the Albertson's in Chula Vista by the way), and I started hearing this voice. It was the stank! It kept asking me to kill the stanky person so that it could go free. I shouted out "BACK FOUL BEAST!!!" and ran for my life, but when I looked behind me I saw this amorphous shape above the now confused customer. It had red eyes and (I suspect) thirsted for blood!!!

Anyhow, my point is this. If you smell, take a bath. Stop smoking. Lose weight. I don't care if you have to sleep in a bathtub of vinegar for the next 6 months. Just do it! And if you're a fat chick, don't bother hitting on me because you will never get in MY pants!

Review: Brain Age

So my brother tells me to check out this game called Brain Age on the DS. Luckily I got a DS so I could play Metroid on it (which is kinda cool except that it makes my thumb hurt--it is clearly inferior to the 360 controller in every way, but that's a subject for a different blog). Anyhow, he loaned me the game so I figured 'what the heck, ain't costing me anything,' and tried it out.

Wow. This game is like someone gave me a suck sandwich and then the Hamburglar stole it when I wasn't looking. That's how much it sucked.

It started out with this little robot head guy telling me how my brain works. Now I'm not one to diss on science, but when robot man said my brain activity fires up when I read or do math or whatever, I darn near laughed. Maybe that's how Japanese brains work, but in AMERICA, home of THE WINNERS, our brains are fired up when we're either A) killing, B) watching a hottie walkin' down the street, or C) killing some more.

Anyhow, I just said 'ok, whatever, lets just skip the story and get to the fighting part of the game.' I figured maybe the brain scans were just so I knew where to shoot the zombies to get the parasites out of their skulls that were zombifying them or something. But then he gives me a freakin' pop quiz! What the heck?!

Maybe the worst part of the game was what happened next. He wanted me to say colors. So I'm like 'cool, I can read.' But the game is totally broken there, because the font colors don't match the words! Seriously, what the hell! Also, the voice recognition is total crap. I kept saying 'black' because that was the word, but it kept saying I was wrong. Like I can't tell the word 'black' from the word 'yellow!' It's a little weird because the game was broken and the font color was yellow, but I'm not a rube no-sireee!

Then doctor robotnik told me that I had the brain of an 80 year old man and I was like "sweet! I'm wise like Yoda!" but then it turned out that it was supposed to be an insult and he thought I needed brain exercise or something. If he wanted to insult me he could have just been like "lawlz, your'e a fag!!!!11!!" But whatever.

So I clicked on the 'Brain Training' button so I could not be so retarded and show up the Evil Doctor. I still don't know when you get to actually start fighting, but whatever.

And then he had me do a bunch of math problems and I did them, but I was too slow because I decided to show my work LIKE SCHOOL PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT YOU TO DO. I wish these smarty-pantses people would make up their minds and set a standard for math, like either "ALWAYS show your work," or "NEVER show your work." None of this "ALWAYS show your work unless a robot man who laughs alot asks you to do math super fast like you're a calculator but seriously he's the freakin' robot why can't he do it?!"

Anyhow, enough talking about this hunk of cat turd that I threw at my brother's head the next time I saw him (and when it hit him he was all like 'ow, don't break it you jerkoff!' and I was like 'it wouldn't be anymore of a waste than it was for you to spend a sawbuck on this piece of crap,' and then he was like 'you don't know what the word sawbuck means, do you?' so I gave him a wedgie and punched him in the kidneys). Score time!

Graphics: 0/10
How great looking does a game about a robot man's reign of scholastic terror need to be? Apparently not very great, because all you see on the screen are words and numbers and crap. Even Mr. Robot looks crappy. He's like 5 polygons. Oooh.

Sound: 0/10
Do you like your games to have music? Tough, cuz' this game only has beeps and boops for when you touch the screen. I get better sounds in the toilet after eating taco bell.

Gameplay: -3/10
This game is broken! It told me I was retarded, it doesn't understand my words, and when it did work it just wanted me to do math. Save yourself the trouble and just buy a graphing calculator if that's your thing.

Overall: -2000/10
Yeah, save your money. Its crap.

Review: Halo 2 (for xbox, not the sissy windows vista version)

So you might have noticed that I'm only reviewing the Xbox version of Halo 2, and not the Vista version. This is because I don't own the Vista version because I'M NOT A SUCKER!!! Hello, Microsoft, I already own Halo 2. I've owned it for like a bazillion years on my XBOX. Why would I spend over a hundred bucks upgrading my computer to windows Vista just so I can play an old game? Yeah, I didn't think so Mr. Bill Gates ESQUIRE!!!

I actually don't have any beef with the computer version of the game. I mean, if someone doesn't want an XBox or prefers playing FPS games with their keyboard/mouse, cool for him I guess. My beef is with Microsoft for waiting forever to release a computer version of this game, only to require people to upgrade to Windows Vista before they can play it. That's bull!

Graphics: 10/10
This game rocks the house. It was made for the original XBox and it still beats every game EVER made for the PS3 and Wii combined! There aren't alot of fancy pants light bloom effects or billion-polygon trees or anything, but that's because ITS A FUTURE GAME AND YOU SHOOT PEOPLE IN OUTER SPACE!!!! If the game were about elf nerd tree-humpers (like my brother), I'd gripe about the graphics. But it isn't!!

Sound: 10/10
The music is . . . wait, is there music? I don't even know, I usually turn the sound down so I can make fun of the noobs on xbox live better with my headset! There is no better sound than homo noob geek nerds crying because you've just sniped them in the face!

Gameplay: 10/10
This is the best FPS game (FPS stands for "Fraggin' Pathetic Sadsacks") ever! The controls are perfect. Frag tagging, jumping, strafing, its all here baby!!!

Overall: 10/10 (perfect!!!)
This is one of the best games ever. Ok, now I'm tired of blogging. I need to go play halo 2!!!!

The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion

I think I've said this before, but my brother is VERY gay. He likes games with orcs and fairy elf princesses or whatever. I remember this one time he and his buddies were having a party and I swung by because I was thinking "hey, free beer and maybe there are some drunk babes there to hit on!" but when I opened the door, it was the most horrifying sight I've ever seen.

First off, there were no babes. There were two chicks, but babes they were not. The one looked like she had eaten a few babes. I was afraid I might be next. The other chick wasn't fat, but she had a moustache. And we're not talking 'a little hair on the lip,' either. We're talking 'Super Mario Brothers" moustache. The only way I knew they were chicks was that they had boobs, but then they might have just been dudes with juicy man-titties. I decided not to ask.

They were all sitting around his dining room table and they had these little elf toys on the table. It looked like they were doing some sort of weird math that uses funny shaped dice. I asked what they were doing as nicely as I could (although when you see this and you're thinking 'is this what a gay orgy looks like?' it's hard to say anything nicely), and one of the nerds told me they were 'role-playing.' I didn't know what that meant, but I was so horrified (and not just by their acne) that I turned around and ran off screaming into the night.

Needless to say, when my brother recommends I check out a game, I usually tell him 'thanks but no thanks.' but he was really pushing this Oblivion game down my throat. I was gonna tell him to go back to his gay dice festival or whatever it is he was doing, but then I saw some screen shots and I thought "daaaaang, this would look SWEET on my plasma tv!" So I went to gamestop and picked up a copy (that was an adventure in and of itself, because sometimes the nerds who work there and the nerds who hang out there are talking about gay stuff like who would win a fight between Frodo and the Elf queen or whatever and want you to join the conversation).

So here's my review of Oblivion. I hope you find it helpful.

The game starts with you making your guy. You get like a zillion options, which is kinda cool. I was thinking "alright, I can totally make Marcus Fenix and get some frag grenades and take care of these noobs." There are too many options though. I don't need to able to adjust the jowls and the bridge of the nose and the nape of the neck and stuff. I just want my guy to look angry and buff. There should be a preset for that.

Then after I make my man, I find out I'm in jail. Cool, just like Gears of War. But Dom doesn't come to break me out so I can help kill bugs. Instead the emperor comes in wearing a bathrobe and says something like "It is your destiny to join me in the sewers." Needless to say I decided to unload my fisticuffs of fury into his face, but then some guard told me to stop and I couldn't kill him. I think he was using an infinite armor glitch or something. Lame.

So I go into the sewers and I'm punching rats and they give me a bow and an arrow (which I threw down a well, because only homo elf-types use a bow and arrow) and a hammer and a sword and a bunch of other stuff. I couldn't figure out how to equip things because I don't play RPGs, but my fists of fury were enough to kill the giant rats that fill the world of Oblivion.

After wandering around in knee-high dookie-water FOREVER, I finally ran into the emperor and I was like "you got away once, Mister Man, now its payback time!!!" I tried throwing my sword at him but it just kinda fell on the ground with a clang. Weak. I didn't have the shotgun which sucked, because I was close enough that I totally could have one-shotted him, so I started punching him. The guards yelled at me again, but I would not be swayed. I had to escape this jail cell/sewer maze of doom!! Eventually the guards got pissed at me and I was killed with a katana.

Graphics: 8/10
This game looks really good, but how good can a game that comprises nothing but a sewer and a jail cell look??

Sound: 5/10
The voice acting is pretty good, but the music is all emo which pissed me off. Eventually I got tired of hearing lilting pan-flutes and muted the tv so I could listen to some Metallica (the old stuff before they became sell-outs).

Gameplay: ??/10
Maybe if I were into menus and inventories and all that RPG stuff, I'd have enjoyed it. But I couldn't figure out why I was running around in rags and couldn't throw my swords and hammers at people. Weak.

Overall: 5/10
If you like sitting around tables throwing dice at your friends, go ahead and buy this game. If you're not gay, though, don't even bother.

The Console Wars, decided by Rod!!!

Ok, so there's a console war or whatever going on. Sounds like a load of crap to me since the best system should be obvious, but whatever, you wanna talk about it and it's related to babes, beer, big tvs or awesome video games, I'm down.

So lets lay the three systems out there and have a look at which wins the prestigious "Rod's Most Awesome Video Game System of all Video Game Systems Ever!" award!

First up we have the PS3. These guys like making their systems look all gay and stuff, but that doesn't really matter. I mean, the way it looks does have an effect on its overall "awesome" factor, but it's not as important and the other things like killer graphics and stuff. So just pretend this doesn't look like an elf airplane hanger for the time being.

It's supposed to be powerful. My brother said it has like 27 gazillion termaflops of pure power, which means something if you're a nerd I guess. That's what happens when you make a game system that's roughly the size of a house I guess. The games look pretty good though and have high definition output so they should look sweet on my 47" plasma high def tv (yeah, my tv is freakin sweet). It uses HDNI digital cables which is supposed to make the picture 10-80P (I guess that's rockin, I don't know what all of these stupid fruitloops numbers mean), and plays Blooray movies in high definition too.

The controller is really lame. It's way too little. I wanna walk up to Chim Chong Chang or whoever designed it in Japan and be like "Listen here buster, I don't know what life is like here in the land of the Rising Sun, but in America we have big manly hands and we need big manly controllers, not this little rice eating piece of crap!!!" But it has motion controls so if you drop your beer and you bend over to try and keep it from seeping into the carpet, the guy in the game will do the same thing! I guess that's pretty cool (I'm still pissed off about the beer stain on the carpet. I put down a throw rug, but I know when I move out I won't get my deposit back because of it).

Their online service is so freakin gay. Its nice you can play Resistance: Fall of Man online against noobs and stuff like the other systems (to be discussed later), but there's no point system! How is everyone else supposed to know how much face I rock if I don't have a score?!

The system is also too darn expensive. $600 for a video game is kinda weak, especially when you can get a tricked out Xbox 360 for $450. $150 will buy you a truckload of beer man! I guess you're paying for the power and stuff it has, but really, unless you're a geek who cares about termabites and stuff, it seems kinda lame to me.

Finally, the games! The PS3 has mostly sucky games like japanese garbage about worshipping trees and prancing arounud the forest as an elf princess or whatever. I'm an American, and that means Christian buster! We don't worship your false Japanese gods, Mr. Sony man! Although Resistance: Fall of Man is cool because you get to kill stuff.

Overall, I give the PS3 a 5/10. It's got killer graphics which makes it awesome, but $600 is too much for a game system with a controller made under a microscope, 'talk to this fruity guy' RPG games, and no points.

Next up is the Wii. Don't ask me why Nintendo thought Wii was a good name for anything, anywhere, ever. It's not. This gives the Wii like a -1 to its overall awesomeness score automatically.

If the PS3's power is kinda like a Harley, then the Wii's power is kinda like a broken bicycle. The games all look like a retard shoved a crayon up his butt and danced in front of a giant piece of paper. And forget high definition! I spent like three grand on this friggin' tv, and now Nintendo wants me to play their system that looks like an etch-a-sketch on it?!

The controller for the Wii is also lame. It uses some weird technology thing where it knows where you're pointing it so you can use it kinda like a gun or something. I guess that'd be cool, except I have the same technology. It's called eyes. This is the height of video game technology? It's also motion sensitive like the PS3 which is kinda cool I guess.

The Wii doesn't have online at all! Seriously, what the heck man? If I can't kill people online with games, then why am I playing them? This makes Sony look like they're Santa Claus crapping candy canes all over my front lawn. Seriously, this is total garbage.

The system is cheap which is cool, but for $250 you could just get the old xbox and halo 2. It's called value!

Oh, and the games. There's one about a little homo with a bow and arrow and a sword who wears leotards. Lame! There's also another one where you play a nerd reading a book. This is the nintendo revolution? More like gay-volution!

Overall, I give the Wii a -5/10. It's not even awesome enough to get graded on the awesomeness scale. It has bad, well, everything. I guess if you're an old guy looking for a paperweight that teaches you things and stuff, then go for it, but if you're a MAN, then move along.

Last up is the Xbox 360. This thing is shaped perfectly: slim in the middle and big up top and on bottom. Just like a babe!!! I don't get the whole "360" name-thing, but I guess video games are all about numbers now, so whatever. Its like you need to be a calculator to play tetris anymore.

Its also supposed to be powerful. A good way to start a nerd fight is to say something like "the XBox 360 is more powerful than the PS3!" And then one of the nerds in the room will be like "Nuh-uh! You're not counting its floating point transforming bandwidth pipe!" and then another nerd will be like "you're so stupid, the PS3 doesn't have the warping omni-crunch that the 360 has!" and pretty soon the nerds will be all over each other like they're fighting over Han Solo's original pants or something. All I know is it looks really good, especially on my tv. So I guess that's cool.

The 360 controller kicks butt. It doesn't have motion sensing, but I wasn't really sold on that anyhow. I guess they could have fit motion sensing in the controller though, because it's BIG. AWESOME!!! Leave it to the AMERICANS to understand that AMERICANS DONT HAVE LITTLE SISSY HANDS!!!

The 360 has really good online too. The best part of the 360 is that it keeps track of how good you are by giving you points. You beat lots of games? Here's 100 points. I don't know this for sure, but I think if you try and play a fairy elf game on the 360, it actually docks you like 50 points just for being gay.

The 360 is kinda expensive, but compared to the PS3 it looks like its in the bargain bin. You can buy a tricked out 360, Gears of War, and have money left over to get a freakin keg. And let me tell you, if you can't pay for dinner at the end of the date because you spent all your money on a PS3, she isn't going home with you (if you know what I mean!).

Finally, the Xbox 360 games are by far the best. It's simple really. Nintendo and Sony are both in Japan. They make games that the Japanese like. And any 3rd grader who knows anything about geography can tell you that all Japanese people are gay. The Xbox 360 is made in America. They make games Americans like. Like Gears of War, and Halo. Good games. Not games about fairies and elves and swords and crap. Games about guns.

Overall, I give the Xbox 360 a 24/10. It would be a 10/10, but I had to add a bunch of extra points for Halo because I love fragging noobs!!

So there you have it. The winner of the console war is the XBox 360. There's nothing else to say on the subject.

Innocent Life: A Futuristic Harvest Moon

So I keep hearing about this game called Harvest Moon and how awesome it is and how everyone like plucking chickens or whatever, but I’m not gonna spend $50 on a freakin farm simulator, you know? So they just put out a version of the game for psp and even though my psp is crazy modded and I can download it and play it for free and turn on cheats and stuff, I’m still thinking “meh, it’s farming. I mean, seriously, is this even worth getting on the RIAA lawsuit list?” And then I read up on it and find out that it’s about a future robot with a future farm. Robots are sweet, and I’m thinking in the future they probably harvest corn cubes and broccoli the size of a skyscraper and crazy stuff like that, so I figured this was my chance to check the series out.

The first thing you do is name your character and make a profile and select a save game. Booorrrring! I didn’t have to do this with Gears of War. They’re just like “hey, your name is Marcus, bug men with machine guns are shooting at you now what do you do WTF OMG ROFLCCOPTER LMAO?!?!?!” So I make “-=|DEATHBOT 2000|=-“ and figure “alright, it’s time to make these humans pay for their transgressions!”

But I was wrong. Doctor Hope decides to talk with me for like an hour about how he cloned me from alien DNA or something and how I need to harvest the humans to feed my extra terrestrial overlords (I actually don’t know what he said because I just hit the button as fast as I could to make him shut up). And then I go to talk with Gayayardk or something like that (you’d think when they brought the game to America they’d give the characters American names like “Bill” or “Steve” or something). And then he talks for another hour and has me planting seed and crap in the virtual farm! How can there be a virtual farm inside a farm simulator? Does that make it a double negative, so its actually a real farm?

So I get all this starting crap over and I’m thinking “damn I wish I could get the last 5 hours of my life back, I could have fragged a lot of nubs in that time,” but whatever. They give me my starter weapons, a hoe and a watering can, and tell me to start killing.

This is where the game should have gotten awesome. I went to the merchant and bought better weapons (a sledgehammer and a sickle—sweet!), and went into Gayasrk’s house and he’s like “Oh, hello -=|DEATHBOT 2000|=-, how is the farm going.” Well needless to say, I was thinking “yeah, hi yourself Garsdrk, feel the icy grip of DEATH!!!” but I couldn’t find the attack button! Seriously, Natsume, if I can’t attack the bad guys, how am I supposed to win? That’s when I decided that this game was crap and fired up Halo 2. Screw that crap, I was so freakin mad I had to take it out on something!!!

Graphics: 2/10

You can see what’s going on and stuff, which is cool. But the characters look like little fat elf guys or lego men or something. I don’t know how the blood effects were because I couldn’t find the attack button, but I looked for screenshots for like 10 minutes and only saw pictures of like mango trees and stuff, so I’m guessing they must have sucked.

Sound: 1/10

There are no voices in the game which is lame. I mean even Master Chief says things like “frag em!” and Marcus says things like “incoming frag!” Little details like this make a game you know!! Also, the music is all whimsical and magical and stuff. I don’t get why a game about killer robots in the future wouldn’t have techno or metal.

Gameplay: 0/10

If I can’t find the attack button, who can?!

Overall: 0/10

If you’re like me and you like games, don’t play Harvest Moon. It’s gay with a capital “g.” Maybe James would like this game, but he’s into Japanese cartoons where they’re all like “lets be homo together!”